First day back tomorrow!


In 12 hours I will be leaving my house and on the way to work. It won’t take 45 minutes to get there, but I hate being late, and also, I have no idea what I’m going to be doing.

DH did his last couple of hours work today until September. He’s crazily excited about it. I think he is starting to stress too, but he’s keeping a lid on it.

I keep throwing instructions at him “E will eat food if you pretend to eat it first”, and “make sure that you call the Drs to make an appointment for H’s jabs” not to mention all the stuff I’m throwing at him about the house. I’m a control freak and I’m concerned I’ll burn out trying to do it all. DH thinks I’m panicking unnecessarily.

I’ve planned my week’s worth of outfits for work. I did want to buy a special lunchbox, but dh pointed out that it was going a little far.

I’m sitting on the sofa watching dh try and settle H, he isn’t doing well. I keeps stressing which makes H worse, but I don’t want to interfere. I just have to trust DH will get it.

Holy crap, I’m back at work tomorrow. That’s gone quickly

One week to go


This time next week I will have finished my first day back at work, and will, no doubt, be wanting a long bath and bed. Maybe if I’m very lucky, I’ll already be in bed!

E is very excited that daddy will be there all the time, very. In fact he danced around the kitchen far too happily.

H doesn’t have an opinion, not one he can express! He’s 19 weeks today and still swamped by 0-3 month clothes. I didn’t realise he would still be so little at this point, that he would need me this much.

E was always a daddy’s boy, right from the get go. H is definitely a momma’s boy. It’s rather sweet to see him trying to throw himself into my arms if I’m not the one holding him.

I’m expecting to feel sick the night before I go back. Rather like it’s the first day of school again. I need to go clothes shopping, I’ve lost quite a bit of weight and my old clothes don’t fit. I’m having difficulty finding ones which do as my hips are still wide and I still have a preggo belly. Which is fairly normally apparently. My lovely ex-midwife told me last week it will take at least another 6-8 months for my belly to go down. Something to do with hormones.

So I will be clothes shopping next week, and probably having a meltdown in the shops as no clothes fit properly. I hate clothes shopping.

We have been busy sorting H out for the past few weeks. We saw the paediatrician (she wasn’t nice) and took H for blood tests last week ( v v traumatic) and finally seeing a dietician tomorrow. It’s a home visit as H is “such an urgent case”. I’m sure it will be fine

Catch up


I’ve been away from the blog for a bit, I’d say I was “making the most of being with the boys” or something else smultchy. In actual fact, I’ve spent a lot of time eating cake, crisps, and watching Mad Men. While spending time with the boys, of course.

We walked up Rivington Pike with friends on Good Friday. E walked pretty much the whole way up and down the pike. I was really proud of him, he just got on with it. I carried H in the sling and he slept the whole time.

H has finally hit 10lb at just over 15 weeks. I’m very very happy, which seems odd I know, but it was a target I’ve had in my head for ages. Next step, him growing out of newborn/up to one month clothes.

I go back to work in little under 5 weeks. Which is no time. Suddenly I’m feeling sad that I’ll miss the summer (what little we have of it) playing in the park. Also, E is just so funny, he’s sarcastic and witty, and a freaking joy! DH is going to get the best times with H as he learns to do more. So I’m a little jealous too.

I am looking forward to drinking a hot drink, and peeing with the door closed. That’s exciting!

The appointment comes, and we go to soft play


H’s paediatrician appointment has arrived. Turns out the GP hadn’t completed the referral correctly. His appointment is 3 June. That’s right, June!

I’m comforted by this because it means they don’t think his poor weight gain is urgent. I’m ticked because for the last 5/6 weeks I’ve been getting increasingly anxious and been doubting my abilities as a mother.

I had pretty bad PND (Post Natal Depression) when E was born, so much so that I didn’t bond with him until he was about 6-8 months old, so I’m prone to thinking the worst.

This whole experience has made me feel similar to how I did when I was sick. I’m in a mood, but I don’t know what mood. I know that I’m happy, rather than feeling it. I feel like I’ve been almost pushed into feeling this way by health care professionals who were just doing their jobs. Which means it isn’t their fault. But I need something to blame. The “snap” which brought this about is, I believe, getting the letter saying the appointment is in 8 weeks, so not classed as important. I guess I’m rambling now.

I know that tomorrow I might feel differently. I guess the good thing about recognising how I feel means that DH can keep an eye on it/me/the situation and let me know if he gets worried.

Now, for some more upbeat news, we took E to soft play today. It wasn’t too bad, he seemed to constantly be followed around by little girls desperate for his attention. He wasn’t keen. He just ran around the bigger kids part like a loon. After 90 mins some older children arrived and started racing around the equipment and pushing younger children out the way. We left after two hours, which isn’t bad considering for £5.99 he got two hours of play, beans on toast, and juice. The place is called Whales and Snails and it’s in Bolton, just if anyone is interested. Brilliant place, very clean! Also, really nice, and inexpensive food.

We came home and I retreated to bed with Jaffa Cakes and a book while both boys napped.

DH is on holiday all this week so I’m leaving him with the boys tomorrow and working on Wednesday. He seems excited, but very nervous! I can’t wait 🙂

“Mammy, these are yummy”


Happy Mother’s Day for yesterday!

I had a good day, a lie in (until 8:15!) then some presents, a box of thorntons toffee and a new book, then I went to church with H while E went with his dad to have breakfast with my mother in law.

Got home from church and lay in bed for a while reading and eating toffee. It was all very relaxed until bedtime. As I was settling H, I noticed E had gone very quiet. He was tucked up in my bed, his hands filled with toffee and his mouth all toffee drooly. He saw me, gave me the biggest grin and said “Mammy, these are yummy” I know! They were mine!

They had to be thrown out. Toddler drool and a box of toffee doesn’t go. Still, had a lovely roast dinner made by DH.

The book is brilliant, it called The Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson. DH is a big fan of the audio books but I wasn’t convinced. So in a risky move he bought me the book. It’s just brilliant. It’s a fantasy book, really well written, and a good plot so far!

Today I’m going to Boundry Mills in Colne with the in laws. I can’t say I’ve ever really wanted to go, they keep inviting me, so I feel a little obliged. I’m sure it will be fine. I need to work out how to say “Stop trying to take over my sons” when they, the in laws, get over excited about the boys being there.

Why a baby sleeping through the night isn’t always a good thing


H doesn’t eat enough. More precisely, he eats enough for his weight (most of the time) he just doesn’t weigh enough for his age.

Babies and children are measured against a centile chart (I’d put a link here, but I’m technologically inept remember? So Google is your friend) which tells the HCPs that your baby is fat/thin/somewhere in the middle. Ideally a baby should follow along his centile line. H started off on the 9th centile, he has dropped to the 0.4th. This is a very bad thing they think the problem is there because he doesn’t eat for 12 hours of the day, well, night. Since he was 2 weeks old, H refuses bottles at night. His last bottle is at 6-7pm and then he’s out for the count. When he wakes up it’s because he wants a cuddle, not milk. Believe me, I’ve tried giving him milk. He either pools it in his mouth, or sicks it up again. Happily he’s healthy, and happy, very alert, plenty of the appropriate nappy, just doesn’t seem to want milk. He’s 11 wks and 2 days old and doesn’t weigh 10lb yet. He’s only put on 2lb 4ozs since birth.

We’ve been referred to the relevant Dr and are waiting for help. Meanwhile I’ve logged exactly how much milk he drank yesterday. 23.5ozs. Which isn’t enough. Not even for his tiny weight. 12 hours after his last bottle he woke and only took 3ozs. He’s had another 2 so far. This isn’t good.

Hungry baby milk is out because it doesn’t have enough calories to justify it (1kcal extra in 100ml) we’ve tried a new bottle (he didn’t like it) tried warming/cooling his milk, nothing. I really don’t know what else to try. I was told to not give him a dummy as that can interfere, so instead he chews his hands as he just wants to suck, not drink. So I’m at my wits end.

I didn’t realise how much I’d worry about my children, especially when one of them is with me all the time!

Day off from children


Dh has said that when he has his week off from work (in a couple of weeks) he wants me to go away for the day so he can have both boys alone. He didn’t quite phrase it as that, but that was what he was getting at.

I’m unsure about this for two reasons.

First, he’s never spent more than an hour -two at the most- with the boys alone. Even when I went to work for a KIT day, E was at nursery until 1, his dad came at 2, and I arrived home from work at 3. I don’t think he’s even dressed H more than twice. Which is why, of course, he should practise.

Second, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself for the day. I debated going to work, but I’m not sure. I don’t go anywhere alone anymore, I get bored by myself. All my friends work, or have young children too. I know this sounds harsh, but if I’m not with my own kids, I really don’t want to be hanging out with someone’s child. If I get a day off from children I want to enjoy it, however lovely those children are.

I’m just genuinely at a loss. I’m not the sort of person who would enjoy a spa day, and I’m so used to doing stuff at break-neck speed that even having a coffee and reading a book at a shop only lasts 30mins before the coffee is done. Any thoughts anyone? If it helps, I live in the north-west within a short train ride of Manchester.

What’s with the lack of any formatting?


As in “Why does this blog look boring?”

Quite frankly, I’m rubbish at this blogging thing. Also, I write posts when I’m on my ‘phone and I can’t see if the blog looks boring.

Moving on, this is the first post I’ve actually written on a laptop (yey! Go me!) and I’ve only been able to do it because E and H have been asleep in their respective sleeping places (bed/cot – Not a cardboard box or anything, I’m not totally harsh) since 7.30 and I’m slowly remembering what it’s like to be able to bum around on the internet without E going “Maaammmmyyyy, Thomas on?” or H crying because his brother has helpfully forced H’s dummy back into his mouth when H didn’t want it in the first place.

Anyhow… customising the blog. As soon as I work out how to do it, I will. For now it’ll be boring looking. Sorry. I will try to add things so it looks funky, maybe some more pics or something, soon. Although I may have coloured this post in Blue. At least that’s what the preview thing shows. It could just be me being thick. If it is blue, I’ve no idea how I did it. Edited to add: It isn’t blue. I’m a little thick. I’ve left in the whole “is it blue thing” because I’m hoping someone else is as technologically inept as I am at this. Which isn’t very nice. Whoops!

For right now I’m going to go to bed and sleep the desperate sleep of a mother who knows she’ll be getting up with a mardy toddler tomorrow morning. Being fair, he’s not always mardy. Only if I won’t let him watch Thomas the Bloody Tank Engine as soon as he wakes. Chances are, he’ll be mardy.

Such fun!

E's favourite Thomas Movie. No copyright infringement intended. Not even sure that's the right thing to say. Basically, please don't sue.

E’s favourite Thomas Movie. No copyright infringement intended. Not even sure that’s the right thing to say. Basically, please don’t sue.

“I’ve got someone else’s bodily fluid on me”


No one really tells you that being a parent means having someone else’s bodily fluid on you.

Today’s selection include:

Chocolate from E’s mouth. You bribe a kid with chocolate so he’s quiet when your eyebrows are being done, and he drools it on your leg. So really, it’s chocolate and drool.

Poo. That’s right, poo. E had a poo-splotion on the bus on the way home. Happily, or not so much, he was sitting on my knee. First I knew about it was when the smell hit my nose. I thought it was the trampy man near me at first. Then the sudden realisation the smell was my son hit me, about the same time the fluid sunk through his nappy, jeans, and then my leggings. You could tell when other people smelt the poo because they too kept looking and scowling at the trampy looking man. I stayed quiet.

We were foiled when we had to stand to get off. E’s legs looked wet and brown, my leggings had a bum shaped wet patch. And we smelt of poo.

Sick. Topping the day off, we got home, I undressed E (who got really upset when he saw the poo) hosed him down (in the shower), put him in the bath. Picked up H who threw up all over me, down to my bra. I’d say it was crap, but I already had that on me.

So yeah. No one tells you that you’ll be covered in bodily fluid that isn’t yours.

So, what have you done today?


I hate being asked this question. It always makes me feel defensive (possibly because it’s not a nice question) like raising two children, well, keeping them alive isn’t good enough.

Happily DH doesn’t ask me this anymore. Possibly because the only time he did I went crazy. May have cried, and ranted, and cried.

Today has been one of those days (already) which makes me question what I’ve achieved. At work you have KPIs which say “well done, you don’t totally suck” at home with the kids you don’t have anything like that. E seems to barely tolerant me sometimes (well, not really, I’m just not his dad who is his best friend.) and H is going through some kinda growth spurt which involves crying and being clingy. I’d be lost without my wrap.

But today E told me he likes me more than Mr Maker (who apparently he loves) and H gave me a smile. I go back to work 10 weeks tomorrow. Part of me feels like I should be cherishing every minute, the other part thinks that I’m not good at this staying home business and I can’t wait to go back to work where I’m respected, and listened to, and I can pee in peace! I don’t know anyone else who has split the Mat leave like we have, and then the dad going part time, maybe that adds to the general “what are we thinking?” feeling. I worry that when I’m actually working and not spending all the time with the boys they’ll forget me in some way, or just not want me around. What if being with H is the only chance I have to be the favourite parent for one of my kids? I’m only being semi-serious with that question. I should find out this week what shifts I’ll be on when I go back, then it will feel more real.

Anyway, here is a picture of H smiling away. Taken yesterday and he’s 10 weeks tomorrow.